E Airness Unum: 2013 USAG Mid-Atlantic Semifinals (Part 1)

    For the halftime entertainment on July 19th at the 9:30 Club, Washington, D.C., air guitar legend The Shred performs Rush's 2112 which was then followed by 2012 Air Guitar World Champion Nordic Thunder (Chicago, IL) tearing up the stage with a six-minute-sixty-six-second medley tribute to Jeff Hanneman and Slayer.

E Airness Unum: No Guts, No Glory, No Guitars.

    Following up on the indubitable success of the 2013 US Air Guitar Brooklyn qualifier at St. Vitus Bar a couple of weeks ago, local air guitarists Airistotle (currently ranked second in the entire world) and Rocka Khan spearheaded the Manhattan show hosted at Pioneers (formerly Comedy Bar) on this year's summer solstice. Whether influenced by galactic forces or liquid courage, an ever-diverse field of competitors from the Northeast descended upon the stage to earn a chance at rocking the rafters of the Bowery Ballroom on July 2nd.

The crowd at Pioneers gets their buzz on with antici......pation.

    Rookies Killer K (Boston) and Sasha came to test their mettle, though an abundance of life experience was not convincing enough to sway the judging panel of MathRomancer and the husband-wife duo of Justice Rocktor and the Jewish American Princess of Darkness. Thorin Oakenshield (also a first-timer?) then went hard and heavy to good effect, bringing hope (5.6/5.4/5.6) for an unexpected journey into the second round. A walk-on curiously christened Your Uncle Bill brought plenty of rage against inferior hair care products along with ample bro support, but came perilously close to learning the truth about pain when he vaulted onto the judges' table where the unborn son of JR nestled comfortably with JAPD. His scoring average (5.5/5.3/5.2) corresponded with the amount of time it took for him to vanish into thin air soon after.

Clockwise from top left: Lady Air-a-Bella, Thorin Oakenshield, PWN Jett, The Ghost of Operation Rockapussy.

    Spudboy, a transplant from the City of Brotherly Love, returned to his DEVO roots that whipped up a welcome sense of normalcy (if there is such a thing in US Air Guitar). However, his entrenched familiarity with the band seemed to put a damper on forging a truly unique character - never one to lack heart or skill, the identity of Spudboy (5.4/5.5/5.3) will truly sprout with a richer harvest of attitude. Lady Air-a-Bella, badass canine rescuer and the second of three female contestants, had no qualms about showing off the crown jewels with a British national anthem medley. While LAB (5.6/5.5/5.6) has proved capable of running with the big dogs of NYC in earlier showings, her attention to detail may have been too tight a leash on what could have been a hackle-raising performance. The Ghost of Operation Rockapussy, also representing Beantown, provided his own backdrop in the form of looped video via projection then proceeded to thrash the dais with demonic fervor. GOR's all-around solid routine, coupled with the radical decision to include additional theatrics, was sufficient to usher him out of limbo (5.8/5.7/5.7) and into the compulsory round.

    Doctor Rocktopus (in video above), keen to demonstrate equal aptitude at veterinary medicine and air guitar dissection, had clearly spent many hours on his practice which paid off handsomely (5.7/5.7/5.8) despite a minor slip in the procedure. And even though guest judge JAPD duly noted that her false contractions were a direct result of his animal magnetism, the argument that fellow judge/husband JR would consult a proper OB/GYN for the real event still held water. Veteran air guitarist PWN Jett, who boldly shredded the Bowery Ballroom last season while eight months pregnant, easily slipped back into foxy form then put on a display of fine physical control (5.9/5.7/5.5) to match her simmering sultriness.

    Fresh from a brief hiatus in Europe, Smiley Rod (in video above) graced the spotlight once again and made up for lost time post haste with an intensely concise act that evoked memories of past champion Fender Splendor. Exhibiting a genuine ferocity that belied his nom de plume, SR (5.8/5.7/5.8) burst forth with contagious energy and aerobic maneuvers to blaze a longer trail into the night. Wrapping up the first round was Rockupine (top finisher of the Boston qualifier a fortnight ago) with his shirt-shedding, table-shaking, platonic man-loving tribute to "The Final Countdown." Intermission saw an air drum battle royale set to Rush's "Tom Sawyer" that sorely missed the presence of Washington, D.C., air guitar legend The Shred, yet was nonetheless chock full of audience members eager to pound along to a classic tune.

    In keeping with US Air Guitar compulsory round tradition, the secret track for all five competitors emerged as the quintessential '90s angst-laden melody "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and after additional prep time allowed by the group air drum session, PWN Jett (5.7/5.5/5.4), DocRock (5.6/5.9/5.5), Rockapussy (6.0/5.9/5.4) and Smiley (6.0/5.9/5.8) pulled out the stops in turn to mixed results from the judges. Regardless of a less-than-dramatic song edit, each played to their respective strengths and progressively showcased the various qualities that merit only the highest of scores on a scale of 4.0 up to 6.0; as their forms (stage presence) followed function (technical ability) and then were topped with fun (airness), the top spot clearly belonged to one man...

    Mitt Umlaut (in video above), an Empire State mainstay since 2008, garnered a solid advantage in the first round (5.9/5.9/5.8) over his rivals with a consistent balance of instrument knowledge, spatial dynamism and fearless creativity. As evinced from the video above, MU made full use of his bag of tricks and pulled no punches in Round Two to secure a spot at the Bowery Ballroom next week - all three judges were justified in their decision (5.8/6.0/5.8) to award him the Manhattan crown as the evening drew to a cacophonous close.

Justice Rocktor gives major props to Airistotle.

Jamming to "Freebird" - where everyone can shine.

    Any evening out in New York City is bound to yield another tale of intrigue and entertainment, which the overworked and under-appreciated USAG organization never fails to deliver on. This coming Tuesday will promise a truly epic meeting of air guitar virtuosos from New York, Boston, Kansas City and Philadelphia to determine which three will go on to the 2013 Nationals in August.

    Be excellent to each other and party on, y'all!  \m/

E Airness Unum: Free Money

In appreciation of all the supporters throughout these years, G. Tso Money is giving away T-shirts! Each black or gray shirt is hand-stenciled and features the logo (see this blog's background graphic) on the front. To have one of your own, send a message with your name, shipping address and shirt size (Small through XL currently available).

While supplies last, Money back guarantee. (click to enlarge)

Thanks again to everybody and keep those horns up!


Peace, love, air guitar~

G. Tso Money

E Airness Unum: Cold Steel Renegade

    From humble beginnings of the US Air Guitar tournament ten years ago, this musical and performance arts event has steadily gained cult status as a grassroots form of achieving world peace via harmonious relationships through common interests. This mutual agreement that taking the stage with an invisible instrument to demonstrate how firearms have no place in rock 'n roll is the binding force that continues to attract and unite Americans unwilling to let dignity stand in the way of global cohesion.

    In recent years, few others have consistently represented the colorful and free-spirited city of San Francisco quite like Cold Steel Renegade (aka Matt F.); instantly recognizable by his flowing locks, mutton chops, astroturf armbands and suggestive spandex, this Adonis of airness narrowly missed making history with a fourth consecutive regional title of the Gold Mountain yet was a memorable highlight of elephantine proportions at the 2012 USAG National Championships halftime show in Denver, Colorado.

 

2009 SF regional sponsored by Boone's Farm.

    Equally as impressive as his gift for rhythmic footwork is a compassionate nature most befitting for one who spends much time helping socially disadvantaged people in the Bay Area. CSR's rich experiences of readjusting less-capable citizens meshes well with the air guitar philosophy that patience, dedication and goodwill are key elements to building a better society, so it should come as no surprise that he was formally inducted into the USAG Hall of Fame this year.

    Final note: COLD STEEL RENEGADE SAYS, "RECYCLE."

E Airness Unum: Air Guitar Heroes

    The Air Guitar World Championships is a celebration of music enjoyment, mutual understanding and world peace. Thousands of people from all over the planet gather each summer in the town of Oulu, Finland for this event that bridges language barriers, religious beliefs and political leanings to find out which international representative best embodies the philosophy that by holding an air guitar one cannot commit atrocities with a firearm. Though superficially confusing and at times downright inane, none who participate in this annual quest for global harmony can deny its earnest desire to bring about the best in others through rhythmic and physical expressions.

    One such competitor, Germany's own Geeky Gisbert (aka J. Fischer), conceived the notion that not only could air guitarists convey their individual messages on stage but also via stories collected then printed for all audiences to peruse at leisure. With the United States of America's fourth world champion in ten years, Nordic Thunder of Chicago, as one of his main liaisons, Gilbert was able to compile and edit an impressive number of backgrounds on air guitarists the world over for this first edition of "Air Guitar Heroes - Vom Spielen der Luftgitarre (About Playing Air Guitar)" published by blumenkamp in August of 2012.

© blumenkamp verlag, 2012

© blumenkamp verlag, 2012

   Comprised mostly of entrants from Western countries such as Great Britain, the United States, Germany and France, this fascinating look into the diversely personal histories of Earth's most outstanding air guitarists offers a tantalizing glimpse into defining moments of their lives sixty seconds at a time. One notable trait that all these writers shared was a love and respect of live music performances with a clear goal of conflict-free unification.

    Despite being surrounded by anonymous detractors who unceasingly decry this pursuit as nothing more than vapid and masturbatory adolescent antics, the invisible bonds among air guitarists which come about from determination, dedication and discipline are undeniably real.

    The experiences that one can treasure for a lifetime are best measured by doing what one truly believes is the right thing to do then finding out that it was the correct course of action after all.


    Peace and love to everyone~

E Airness Unum: Rocky Rhoads

    Back in 2011, Chicago hosted the ninth US Air Guitar National Championships, then in this season bore witness to a plethora of worthy talents rising to stake their winning claims in the absence of a regular defender of the Windy City crown. Needless to say, many promising gusts and gales made their fortunate way to the Bluebird Theater in Denver.

    All-around fun girl and Chi-town air guitar scene staple Rocky Rhoads (nee Gina C.) stormed into the Nationals at Bluebird on July 24th, fresh from being awarded the Dark Horse Invitational winner just two nights prior at Bender's Tavern. This whirling dervish of rock energy masqueraded in the guise of a bubbly demeanor yet packed enough punch to floor the crowd and impress the hell out of fellow practitioners.

Exhibit A:

    More scandalous footage from the previous day was then found, which depicted the final moments of an NYC air guitarist named MathRomancer before he was traded for three cases of beer as Rhoads was gleefully sandwiched between Peter Stiff Dickens, Mean Melin and Captain Airhab. Eventually it was resolved as a misunderstanding and quickly forgotten while it rained CorpAIRation bucks in the party bus.

Exhibit B:

    Loaded with charm, cheer and chops, this manic pixie of airness warrants more than a passing notice. If Rocky Rhoads is spotted anywhere, please contact someone immediately by dialing (347) 450-SETH.

So call me maybe.

\m/


"...I'm hell bent on fucking shit up onstage and living the rock and roll dream..."
- Rocky Rhoads, Air Guitar Heroes: About Playing Air Guitar

E Airness Unum: Flying Finn

    The tenth annual US Air Guitar tournament has culminated with a new National Champion and the former title holder going on to bring a fourth Air Guitar World Championship crown back to America. Only Finland boasts more wins with five total since 1996.

****ROCK****

    Appearing with a bevy of 2012 USAG finalists at the Bluebird Theater in Denver this past July was none other than Flying Finn (nee Andrew), who last season had nearly won representation for the city of Chicago but this year earned special bragging rights in Minnesota as its prodigal son of air guitar. Being the hometown hero intensified an already building cloud of airness but those mighty Finns bore it as a badge of rock 'n roll; the struts, windmills and kicks delivered many artistic flourishes properly balanced by a honed edge in this rousing display:

    In addition to spending time to raise an awesome family, Finn puts his other technical skills into creating digital tributes of various members from the air guitar community.

Behold...

    While Finn cuts an imposing figure in real life and much more so on stage, this man is well-versed in embracing this curious fellowship amongst air guitarists and fostering a greater kinship with anyone who shares the same sense of humor.

Awoooooo~


"To err is human, but to air guitar...divine."

- Bjorn Turoque

Appetite for Creation Part 12: Frames Bond

    Philadelphia hosted one stop of the 2012 US Air Guitar Tournament.

06-20-12: Fishtown sculpture in Philly, PA (click to enlarge)

06-20-12: Fishtown sculpture in Philly, PA (click to enlarge)

06-20-12: Fishtown sculpture in Philly, PA (click to enlarge)

06-20-12: Fishtown sculpture in Philly, PA (click to enlarge)

06-20-12: Fishtown sculpture in Philly, PA (click to enlarge)

    Local favorites Windhammer and President Baberham Lincoln made everyone proud as representatives in Denver at the USAG Nationals.

Peace, love, air guitar~


    Note: The above images are taken directly from a Samsung SCH-u540 camera/phone with no post-capture manipulation.

E Airness Unum: Shred Dawn

    Coming soon to the Bluebird Theater in Denver, Colorado - featuring regional champions Danny Tanner Tantrum (Boston), Flying Finn (Minneapolis), The White Flame (Chicago), Um (Seattle) and Tommy Fretless (Washington, D.C.) among an ensemble cast of over a dozen of the most talented airists in the United States! One night show only on July 21st, 2012, so get your tickets *NOW* at the US Air Guitar website!!!

Co-starring five of the top air guitarists in the USA!

E Airness Unum: Hot Lixx Hulahan

    On this Friday, June 15th, Portland will kick off the 2012 US Air Guitar tournament and proudly commemorate the unprecedented achievement of claiming three world championships since 2003. The most recent such victor is none other than Hot Lixx Hulahan himself (aka C. Billmeier), who decimated the global competition in 2008 to follow legends like C-Diddy and Sonyk-Rok into the whispered realms of air guitar history. Take a gander at his title-clinching performance in the video below:

    There is no question that the above-mentioned display of a pure love for rock music perfectly embodies the quintessential spirit of freedom. Liberty is what countless others  have fought over, died for and won decisively to preserve; Hot Lixx's choice of "Plane Crash" by the Toadies in Round One is chosen brilliantly chosen for its brash sound, enduring spirit and upbeat attitude after a prolonged period of musical stagnation in self-pity and hollow commercialism. At once memorable, catchy and inspiring, Hot Lixx Hulahan's antics proved through two successive rounds that America knew exactly what rock and roll really meant.

    Some role models don't come better than this.

E Airness Unum: Airosol

    Just scant few weeks remain until the 2012 US Air Guitar tournament kicks off across the nation in its search for an ambassador to carry a message of peace to the World Championships in Oulu, Finland. Having birthed three of Earth's mightiest air guitar heroes since 2003, America is clearly primed and ready to bring home a fourth world title.

    While one can easily make the assumption that air guitar is exclusively a boys' club, there would be some sistAIRs who take exception to that - Airosol (nee Cami P.) from the Land of 10,000 Lakes has proved that a healthy mix of brio, beauty and brilliance is more than enough to warrant a place among other air guitar legends. With a trademark leg-flip that has yet to replicated or even attempted in competition, this diminutive firebrand from Minnesota always leaves the fans clamoring for more.

    A veteran gymnastics instructor and first-time mother (the video above was taken mere months after receiving her bundle of joy), this winner of four regional championships has since pirouetted gracefully into the halls of royalty as Emeritus Queen of the USAG Northwest Territories. The legacy of Airosol is a testament to the equality and respect that is shared among all air guitarists.

E Airness Unum: Lieutenant Facemelter

    Another season marking this glorious decade of US Air Guitar begins next month and undoubtedly its venerable cast of characters has been instrumental to maintaining such rousing success.

    California is one of the hotbeds from which various strong contenders to the National Crown continue to emerge; Lieutenant Facemelter (nee Jason F.) has waged an impressive campaign for this honor and proved himself a force to be reckoned by becoming a two-time Regional Champion (San Diego in 2010 and Seattle in 2011). This madman of the West Coast pulls no punches and leaves no floaters on his way to capturing the hearts and minds of fellow air guitarists who long for a chance to earn their spot this year at the National Finals in Denver.

    One of the demented brainchildren behind a hilarious line of USAG trading cards, Lt. Facemelter is a powerhouse of brains and spirit as evidenced by his technical institute credentials and "user experience design" work in the medical industry. He and the missus also have a corgi named Koopa (geek alert!).


Update: Last month at the House of Blues in Los Angeles, Lt. Facemelter was crowned the 2013 US Air Guitar National Champion and also placed fifth at the Air Guitar World Championships.


         "We few, we happy few, we band of brothAIRs and sistAIRs. For they today who shred their chords with me shall be my brothAIR or sistAIR; be never so vile."

                         - G. Tso Money

E Airness Unum: Mean Melin

    As the 2012 US Air Guitar season draws ever nearer, these past ten years has seen its share of memorable figures grace the stage with unique performances and undeniable talent.

    Arguably the anchor of the Midwest scene is Mean Melin (nee Eric M.) from Kansas - not only is he an actual musician in the band The Dead Girls, his enthusiasm, energy and skills have been in the USAG National Finals spotlight multiple years consecutively. Needless to say, Melin is just one of many in the US Air Guitar family who have inspired and encouraged others to continue striving for world peace sixty seconds at a time.

    Along with his own real band, Melin works tirelessly to promote air guitar as a worthy past time in addition to other entertainment outlets. Rounding out this man's diverse background is the role of movie reviewer at Scene Stealers (www.scene-stealers.com).


        "No Strings to rule them all,
         No Strings to excite them,
         No Strings to bring them all
         and in the Airness unite them."

                                   - GTM


Update:  Mean Melin entered the 2013 Air Guitar World Championships in Finland as a Dark Horse competitor and overcame impressive odds to capture first place ahead of compatriots The Thunder (second), Nordic Thunder (fourth) and Lt. Facemelter (fifth).

E Airness Unum: Radio City Music Holocaust

    Buoyed by a brief taste of on-stage rapture at the 9:30 Club in Washington, D.C. several days ago, G. Tso Money returned to the Empire State for a no-holds-barred throwdown with US Air Guitar heavyweights Windhammer (Rob W.), Airistotle (Matt B.), Ricky Stinkfingers (Alex F.), Shreddy Mercury (Seth L.), Dean Razorback (Tom S.), Lady Air-a-Bella of the Brooklyn Bellas (Sara A.C.) along with Mitt Umlaut (Tom C.), MathRomancer (Paul M.), DagNasty-O (John D.) and Mystery Meat (Brady M.).

    For two consecutive nights in June of 2011, Gotham saw fit to host a multitude of rare talents in search of worthy contenders to the mantle of the USAG National Champion; Airistotle claimed a resounding and well-earned victory at the Bowery Ballroom in Manhattan on the 15th, and the field was once again wide open for the remaining hopefuls the following evening in Brooklyn. Due to the temporary hiatus of former US champion William Ocean (Andrew J.L.) and the unfortunate return of celebrity judge Jason Jones from Comedy Central's The Daily Show, unpredictable results were guaranteed at the Brooklyn Bowl.

    Combined with a solid showing in Round One and consistently low scores from the aforementioned Mr. Jones (one of his comments was "too Asian" of a performance by G. Tso Money), striking distance was maintained while ranked behind Mitt Umlaut and Shreddy Mercury. Round Two's song of choice was "I Wanna Rock" by Twisted Sister (Tyrannosaurus Rocks/Masturbating Booger's first round track in D.C. the year earlier) and thus the video below bore evidence of how the audience responded to G. Tso Money.

    After the song ended, Jones was first to exclaim in disbelief at the sight he had just witnessed and upped his prior score of 5.5 to a solid 5.9 which the other judges mirrored with their own near-perfect marks. Sadly, it was was not enough to overcome a fearlessly stunning act by Mitt (who ran onto the bowling lanes and shredded mightily to everyone's delight) and Shreddy's impressive point lead. The Brooklyn crown and automatic berth in Chicago's National Finals ultimately went to Seth, who represented admirably amongst other Regional champs this past July.

    The 2011 season for G. Tso Money would officially draw to a close on the 18th in Philadelphia, but this whole experience was infinitely valuable in becoming more familiar with the ever-elusive quality known as "airness" that so many others had demonstrated on stage. In fact, one of the most enduring memories was gaining the respect of fellow air guitar practitioners in finally being recognized as an equal by generous pillars of the community. This mutual love for music and the exhilaration of rocking out underneath the spotlights had brought us all closer together and further cemented our bonds as family - the 2012 US Air Guitar season will be yet another enjoyable reunion and opportunity to share the individual journeys that all have participated in on the quest for world peace through air guitar.

    "No Strings to Rule them All. No Strings to Excite Them. No Strings to Bring Them All and in the Airness Unite Them."
- The Thrash Prince of Hell Air, G. Tso Money